I am tired of never feeling well. My diabetes is not under control. I feel ill most of the time. Lack of energy. Hard to sleep. My joints ache. The headaches are unbearable.
It is time to take my life in hand.
I've been reading a Year Without Sugar, and as I read it, death is on my mind. Not my own hopefully.
My DH's friend killed himself a week ago on Tuesday. The third anniversary of my brother drowning is on 25th. When someone hangs themselves, after getting their affairs in order, everyone who knew them, or knew of them, asks why? The shock of suicide is very much the same as the shock of a sudden unexpected death.
I find myself lying awake in the night, aching, and wonder if my uncontrolled diabetes is just a slower form of suicide.
I have had sugar cravings for as long as I can remember. I have a scar on my chin that I got when I was about 3 years old. I wanted sugar. Not any sugar, it had to be my mum's homemade raspberry jam. So I pulled the stool over, piled some cushions on top, climbed up, reached the top shelf in the cupboard, grasped the jar of raspberry jam and of course, everything, the jam, the cushions, the stool and I came tumbling down. Luckily, it was a better experience for me than for Humpty Dumpty... I just ended up with a scar from the broken jam jar.
I have a second scar on the side of my chin. I got that when I was 9, I went into the sweetshop to buy a milky way and fainted, hitting my chin on the edge of the glass counter.
My mum tried to keep me away from sugary stuff. She never bought sweets for us. But, I would search the cupboards for anything sweet. Dried fruit - raisons, those little packs of compressed dates for baking, packets of cherries... all would end up being sneaked up to my bedroom and eaten.
As a teenager it got worse. I could eat 6 mars bars one after the other and still want a mars bar.
Fast forward 30 years and I am still fighting the constant cravings for sugar and sweet stuff. But quite honestly, if I cannot control the sugar consumption, and I have to keep upping my insulin intake, and my blood glucose levels are not controlled - where exactly is this going to lead me? I have heard all the horror stories, I have known of people who have died in their 50's due to poor diabetic control, after loss of parts of their limbs, heart attacks and strokes. But even though I know about the terrible end that could be ahead of me... I still struggle on a daily basis with the sugar cravings.
Of course, the other problem with sugar cravings and bingeing on sweet stuff... is weight gain... I really don't like what I see when I look into the mirror.
I have tried doing like my mother in law and putting a few chocolates in a dish so if I have a craving I can eat one and leave the rest. This did not work for me... I ate them all and then had to go and buy another packet so that my DH would not realise I had eaten them all. I literally could not stop myself.
It isn't as simple as weak willpower. I know my mum and sister feel that I have weak willpower but they can take a bite out of a chocolate bar, then put the rest in the fridge, until they throw it out one day. I cannot do that. I have never been able to do that. My mind would be on the fact that the chocolate bar was in the fridge. I would not be able to take my mind off the chocolate bar being in the fridge. I would be thinking about the chocolate bar all day, into the evening. I would wake in the night thinking about the chocolate bar. I have dreamed about eating chocolate. So vividly that I wake up in the morning and I can taste the chocolate, smell the chocolate.
So how does someone like me quit sugar?
This really is a major dilemma for me. I am not quite sure what to do about it. But I have to find a way to stop. I think that for me, it will be like an alcoholic giving up drinking. I will have to take it moment by moment, day by day...
I will start tomorrow, by going through all my cupboards and removing everything that contains sugar, fructose, honey, etc. If it is there... I will eat it... because I won't be able to stop thinking about it until I do.
Anyway, I'm going to use this space to work through my sugar addiction and find a way to beat it.
Why?
Because I want to feel well, I don't want to have headaches anymore, I want to be able to go for a walk without limping most of the way their and back again because my joints ache constantly. I want my blood glucose levels to normalise so I don't have to inject insulin 4 times a day and take cholesterol and blood pressure medication. I want to be able to think clearly without losing words and feeling like I have a head full of cotton wool. I want to have energy and I would like to lose 3 stone in weight.
I just need to work out how.
Cross the Line...
Posted by
Nikki
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Wednesday 18th April 2012
I have been much too long coming back to complete the Book of the Night. I started the Extreme Journalling course last September. But, I promised myself I would try to complete the course before my brother's first anniversary, which is on 25th April.
I read an interesting blog post on Kelly Kilmer's blog recently. She was saying how important it is to have the courage to actually put yourself, your thoughts, your feelings and emotions into your Art Journal posts " you are the only one on this planet capable of expressing your view of the world as seen and experienced through your eyes and once that perspective is gone, well...".
I have been thinking recently about how I will continue my Art Journalling when Book of the Night comes to an end. After all, I have come to really love doing this. I love writing on the pages that I have worked with images. I love working with the colour. And I need to take it to the next level... I want to decide how to work my own art journalled pages. Should I set myself questions. Just let it come... Or would it be better to take a theme to work through?
So do I need to worry about what I put into my art journal pages? Into my journal pages? Do I need to worry that someone will one day read these pages? I don't know. After all, I would be gone. I was watching a CSI Miami repeat the other day and towards the end of the episode, the character Horatio Caine said something that has stayed in my mind "we never know when death is coming and that is why we should not live in fear of it." Isn't this so true. No one knows what is in the future, but we all know that one day death will come, and it is better not to know when...
I love the idea of my journal pages telling a story... and I think this is an element I shall try to work on while I continue my art journal.
These pages were answering the question: It's a Thin Line... How did your mother walk between the lines?
I have been much too long coming back to complete the Book of the Night. I started the Extreme Journalling course last September. But, I promised myself I would try to complete the course before my brother's first anniversary, which is on 25th April.
I read an interesting blog post on Kelly Kilmer's blog recently. She was saying how important it is to have the courage to actually put yourself, your thoughts, your feelings and emotions into your Art Journal posts " you are the only one on this planet capable of expressing your view of the world as seen and experienced through your eyes and once that perspective is gone, well...".
I have been thinking recently about how I will continue my Art Journalling when Book of the Night comes to an end. After all, I have come to really love doing this. I love writing on the pages that I have worked with images. I love working with the colour. And I need to take it to the next level... I want to decide how to work my own art journalled pages. Should I set myself questions. Just let it come... Or would it be better to take a theme to work through?
So do I need to worry about what I put into my art journal pages? Into my journal pages? Do I need to worry that someone will one day read these pages? I don't know. After all, I would be gone. I was watching a CSI Miami repeat the other day and towards the end of the episode, the character Horatio Caine said something that has stayed in my mind "we never know when death is coming and that is why we should not live in fear of it." Isn't this so true. No one knows what is in the future, but we all know that one day death will come, and it is better not to know when...
I wish I could remember where I came across this image... there is a .com on the bottom but I cannot read it properly...
I love the idea of my journal pages telling a story... and I think this is an element I shall try to work on while I continue my art journal.
These pages were answering the question: It's a Thin Line... How did your mother walk between the lines?
But when I really thought about this and did some freewriting, I realised that it wasn't walking between the lines that my mother excelled at, but having the courage to cross the line... that was really important.
Organic Dark Chocolate... mmm...
Posted by
Nikki
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Tuesday 17th April 2012
I have had problems with chocolate cravings for as long as I can remember. I am the type of person who opens a bar of milk chocolate and cannot eat one piece of the bar... I have to finish the whole bar... no matter the size.
I have never particularly liked the flavour of dark chocolate, but decided that to combat the chocolate craving, I needed to retrain my tastebuds so that I can learn to enjoy one square of quality chocolate rather than having to give up chocolate altogether, which is something I have had problems doing.
Luckily, my husband likes dark chocolate, so I have nibbled a square of several different bars - Lindt, Tesco Finest, Sainsbury, Thorntons, Cadbury Bourneville, etc... I finally nibbled a square of Green & Black's Organic Fairtrade 70% Cocoa Dark Chocolate and thought... mmmm... not bad at all... And 3 weeks later I still haven't finished my first bar of chocolate. So this definitely seems to be working for me.
Part of my reason for trying to make this change is that milk chocolate is just bad for me and much too addictive.
I read that dark chocolate can have health benefits for me. Acting as an antioxidant and an anti-inflammatory, and helping to reduce blood pressure and improve insulin sensitivity in healthy people, reducing their risk of diabetes. I however, already have diabetes, but dark chocolate can also help those with diabetes to control their blood sugar, and may even benefit mental health. Of course, as I am a diabetic, dark chocolate will only be good for me if taken in moderation.
It does smell rich and luxurious and I find that one little square satiates my chocolate craving.
I have had problems with chocolate cravings for as long as I can remember. I am the type of person who opens a bar of milk chocolate and cannot eat one piece of the bar... I have to finish the whole bar... no matter the size.
I have never particularly liked the flavour of dark chocolate, but decided that to combat the chocolate craving, I needed to retrain my tastebuds so that I can learn to enjoy one square of quality chocolate rather than having to give up chocolate altogether, which is something I have had problems doing.
Luckily, my husband likes dark chocolate, so I have nibbled a square of several different bars - Lindt, Tesco Finest, Sainsbury, Thorntons, Cadbury Bourneville, etc... I finally nibbled a square of Green & Black's Organic Fairtrade 70% Cocoa Dark Chocolate and thought... mmmm... not bad at all... And 3 weeks later I still haven't finished my first bar of chocolate. So this definitely seems to be working for me.
Part of my reason for trying to make this change is that milk chocolate is just bad for me and much too addictive.
I read that dark chocolate can have health benefits for me. Acting as an antioxidant and an anti-inflammatory, and helping to reduce blood pressure and improve insulin sensitivity in healthy people, reducing their risk of diabetes. I however, already have diabetes, but dark chocolate can also help those with diabetes to control their blood sugar, and may even benefit mental health. Of course, as I am a diabetic, dark chocolate will only be good for me if taken in moderation.
It does smell rich and luxurious and I find that one little square satiates my chocolate craving.
Earl Grey Tea...
Posted by
Nikki
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Tuesday 17th April 2012
For my snack today, I had a small pot of earl grey tea. After reading this interesting article in the Mail about the health benefits of drinking earl grey tea due to the fruit extracts of the bergamot orange that is used to flavour the tea.
I have always enjoyed drinking earl grey tea so this has been a rather nice surprise to find out that it may also be good for me.
A study carried out in Italy, found that taking a supplement of BergaMet, containing the citrus polyphenols found in Bergamot Oranges, appeared to block production of blood fats, boost metabolism and prevent cholesterol absorptions in the gut. This helped the subjects lose weight, lower their cholesterol and protected against diabetes.
BergaMet has not yet been approved by the UK regulatory authorities, but one of my favourite beverages, earl grey tea contains some of these citrus polyphenols through its tangy bergamot extract, so I am having my favourite tea a little more frequently.
After all, it is delicious, and hopefully will be doing me some good as well. Along with it, I had 16 almonds and 1 small square of Green & Black organic Dark Chocolate.
For my snack today, I had a small pot of earl grey tea. After reading this interesting article in the Mail about the health benefits of drinking earl grey tea due to the fruit extracts of the bergamot orange that is used to flavour the tea.
I have always enjoyed drinking earl grey tea so this has been a rather nice surprise to find out that it may also be good for me.
A study carried out in Italy, found that taking a supplement of BergaMet, containing the citrus polyphenols found in Bergamot Oranges, appeared to block production of blood fats, boost metabolism and prevent cholesterol absorptions in the gut. This helped the subjects lose weight, lower their cholesterol and protected against diabetes.
BergaMet has not yet been approved by the UK regulatory authorities, but one of my favourite beverages, earl grey tea contains some of these citrus polyphenols through its tangy bergamot extract, so I am having my favourite tea a little more frequently.
After all, it is delicious, and hopefully will be doing me some good as well. Along with it, I had 16 almonds and 1 small square of Green & Black organic Dark Chocolate.
Savoury Oatcakes Recipe
Posted by
Nikki
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Tuesday 17th April 2012
My mum told me about this recipe. They are really simple to make and delicious warm or cold.
Being a diabetic, I have read that oatmeal is really good for me, but I have never liked porridge. I do however, love flapjacks but sadly, syrupy, sticky flapjacks are not really what I should be eating either. So I have been looking for a savoury recipe. This one is perfect and it is very quick to make.
Mix 2 cups of porridge oats, 2 cups of grated cheddar cheese and 3 small eggs (2 large eggs), with a little seasoning of salt and pepper, in a bowl.
Heat the pan. I wiped a little oil onto the surface. Then roll a ball of mix in you hands, gently flatten and put into the pan. I fitted about 5 or 6 into the pan each time. Cook slowly on a medium heat and turn half way through. I cooked until golden. The mix made about 17 savoury oatcakes. I left the spare ones to cool on a wire rack and ate 3 while they were still warm for my breakfast.
My mum told me about this recipe. They are really simple to make and delicious warm or cold.
Being a diabetic, I have read that oatmeal is really good for me, but I have never liked porridge. I do however, love flapjacks but sadly, syrupy, sticky flapjacks are not really what I should be eating either. So I have been looking for a savoury recipe. This one is perfect and it is very quick to make.
Mix 2 cups of porridge oats, 2 cups of grated cheddar cheese and 3 small eggs (2 large eggs), with a little seasoning of salt and pepper, in a bowl.
Heat the pan. I wiped a little oil onto the surface. Then roll a ball of mix in you hands, gently flatten and put into the pan. I fitted about 5 or 6 into the pan each time. Cook slowly on a medium heat and turn half way through. I cooked until golden. The mix made about 17 savoury oatcakes. I left the spare ones to cool on a wire rack and ate 3 while they were still warm for my breakfast.
Time to Begin Again...
Posted by
Nikki
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Monday 16th April 2012
My mum has just returned to Kent after spending a week here over Easter. The first Easter Monday since Paul died. We seem to find ourselves thinking of his anniversary as Easter Monday, even though the date changes each year and in 2011 it was on 25th April...
I am so tired of feeling unwell. I couldn't take mum to the airport on Sunday for her return flight, as my bad tinnitus episode that started on Friday had turned into a feeling of seasickness and lack of balance on Sunday. Probably an inner ear infection. So, today, I phoned the doctor for an appointment and the earliest one I could make is next Monday... A week away. By then, the infection will have either cleared up or I will be really unwell. In the meantime, I am taking Stugeron travel sickness tablets, which help with the queasiness and make me a bit dozy. But the tinnitus is horrible, it sounds like a hissing, high speed spinning washing machine inside my head, and any other sound, the TV or radio is unbearable.
So after I put the phone down with the doctor's surgery, I decided that it is time to take my health into my own hands. It is time to try to improve it.
I shall start on an action plan, to lose weight, get fitter, and feel happier within myself.
I have thought about this "secret blog", I call it a secret blog in my mind, because I opened it in a different google email account to all of my other blogs and online presence, as I wanted it to have a certain anonymity, and I knew that family wouldn't be reading it, as they don't know it is here. But I also feel that by deciding to use this blog as a journal on my journey to improve myself from the point I am at, is a good decision, by making it "public" I am making a statement that I will be taking the effort to change into my own hands.
So what do I need to tackle?
My mum has just returned to Kent after spending a week here over Easter. The first Easter Monday since Paul died. We seem to find ourselves thinking of his anniversary as Easter Monday, even though the date changes each year and in 2011 it was on 25th April...
I am so tired of feeling unwell. I couldn't take mum to the airport on Sunday for her return flight, as my bad tinnitus episode that started on Friday had turned into a feeling of seasickness and lack of balance on Sunday. Probably an inner ear infection. So, today, I phoned the doctor for an appointment and the earliest one I could make is next Monday... A week away. By then, the infection will have either cleared up or I will be really unwell. In the meantime, I am taking Stugeron travel sickness tablets, which help with the queasiness and make me a bit dozy. But the tinnitus is horrible, it sounds like a hissing, high speed spinning washing machine inside my head, and any other sound, the TV or radio is unbearable.
So after I put the phone down with the doctor's surgery, I decided that it is time to take my health into my own hands. It is time to try to improve it.
I shall start on an action plan, to lose weight, get fitter, and feel happier within myself.
I have thought about this "secret blog", I call it a secret blog in my mind, because I opened it in a different google email account to all of my other blogs and online presence, as I wanted it to have a certain anonymity, and I knew that family wouldn't be reading it, as they don't know it is here. But I also feel that by deciding to use this blog as a journal on my journey to improve myself from the point I am at, is a good decision, by making it "public" I am making a statement that I will be taking the effort to change into my own hands.
So what do I need to tackle?
- my diabetes is definitely not under proper control.
- my diet is lousy, partly because I feel so tired, that the thought of starting to cook a meal and doing all the cleaning and washing up afterwards is beyond me.
- I am taking my blood pressure and cholesterol meds on time, and my evening insulin injection...
- but I keep forgetting to have my other insulin injector with me if I am out and have a sandwich.
- I have started pre-menopause which has brought some horrible side affects, hair loss, agonising joint pain, lousy memory, forgetfulness, weepiness, difficulty concentrating, bad pmt, feeling sad deep within.
- and I am constantly tired, I force myself to struggle through the chores that I should be able to finish in a fraction of the time they take me
- I am frustrated with myself, because I have been intending to finish the last chapter of the BOTN and really want to do so, but haven't seemed to be able to get myself into gear, as well as not getting far with any of my other dreams, goals and aims.
- I haven't opened a journal, written a note, or drawn a doodle since Christmas.
Where have I achieved a modicum of success?
- My new online business is nearing the time when I will publish it to the web for the first time.
- then the work will really begin, so that possible customers will find it.
- My old online business has pretty much failed at this point and I will change it to an interest website instead of a business one. It has gone mainly because I cannot do the intricate work I used to spend 12 hours a day doing, now that my wrist and thumb joints are so painful.
- I have sold half of my doll collection to raise some of the funds for starting the new business, it has been sad to see them go, but, I shall take some time to make a pretty outfit for each of the remaining dolls to wear while they are on display. Although, I have been making outfits for the Sasha dolls for the past 7 years to sell, I don't actually have any of the outfits that I have made, and my dolls spend most of their time nude, partly because it was easier to use them for modelling when they didn't have to be undressed first, and partly because, I would try to sell every outfit that I made.
Tomorrow will begin a new day... and a journey to a NEW ME...
Revisiting Book of the Night
Posted by
Nikki
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9 February 2012
In September 2011 I started Book of the Night, the extreme art journalling course run by Juliana Coles...
At the time I started I was in a dark place where I was trying to find meaning in my life after the sudden death of my brother when he accidentally drowned.
Before the course really started Juliana suggested that I work through some of my thoughts surrounding death and loss on my own, so that I had started to look at the feelings that I had buried inside...
I found this an difficult thing to do... but ultimately very enlightening and inspirational...
Having worked steadily on my book of the night, which had now become two books of the night, I stopped in mid December to go to England to spend time with my family... with of course the intention to start straight back into my art journalling on my return home in January...
Towards the end of January, I began looking through the pages that I had worked on and a couple of them really mean something to me... often in different ways to my initial thoughts regarding them while going through the process... The Light Up My Life page as I call it in my mind was worked during the "Descent"... On spending time looking at these images I have been inspired to walk more frequently, not having a dog anymore has lead me to horribly lazy ways... and to improve my diet... Which is something I am going to use this blog to develop further...
The "Chinese Tomb Sweeping" exercise brought home to me, as has rereading some of my old journals, that I have had a long time need to write... to express my thoughts and to develop my stories... it also brought me to realise that my current website didn't allow me to do this... that the time needed to plan, design, create, make, photograph, and hopefully sell, the finished pieces took very long hours and I had buried my head in the sand, regarding how much I might actually earn per hour...
I also realised that I need to have my independence with my own earnings so I decided to embark on a new web venture... I have pulled together enough funds (some of which will arrive gradually with the sale of part of my beautiful doll collection - which has been very difficult to do), but the new website is almost designed, the banner has been worked out, the domaine name has been bought and I have contacted yarn suppliers... now I have spent much of the last couple of weeks working out detailed lists for what I want to order now, and what I want to order when the money from doll sales gradually begins to come in...
I have also spent many hours knitting and developing interesting blog posts for my Colour Choices blog so that I can develop it into an interesting knitting blog...
So for me, January 2012 has been a very positive month, where I have made difficult decisions and I have also begun moving forward in positive ways towards my Quest for Adventure...
I also find, that I am now feeling ready to complete Chapter 5 and begin Chapter 6...
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