Time to Begin Again...

Monday 16th April 2012

My mum has just returned to Kent after spending a week here over Easter.  The first Easter Monday since Paul died.  We seem to find ourselves thinking of his anniversary as Easter Monday, even though the date changes each year and in 2011 it was on 25th April...

I am so tired of feeling unwell.  I couldn't take mum to the airport on Sunday for her return flight, as my bad tinnitus episode that started on Friday had turned into a feeling of seasickness and lack of balance on Sunday.  Probably an inner ear infection.  So, today, I phoned the doctor for an appointment and the earliest one I could make is next Monday...  A week away.  By then, the infection will have either cleared up or I will be really unwell.  In the meantime, I am taking Stugeron travel sickness tablets, which help with the queasiness and make me a bit dozy.   But the tinnitus is horrible, it sounds like a hissing, high speed spinning washing machine inside my head, and any other sound, the TV or radio is unbearable.

So after I put the phone down with the doctor's surgery, I decided that it is time to take my health into my own hands.  It is time to try to improve it.

I shall start on an action plan, to lose weight, get fitter, and feel happier within myself.

I have thought about this "secret blog", I call it a secret blog in my mind, because I opened it in a different google email account to all of my other blogs and online presence, as I wanted it to have a certain anonymity, and I knew that family wouldn't be reading it, as they don't know it is here.  But I also feel that by deciding to use this blog as a journal on my journey to improve myself from the point I am at, is a good decision, by making it "public" I am making a statement that I will be taking the effort to change into my own hands.

So what do I need to tackle?

• my diabetes is definitely not under proper control.
• my diet is lousy, partly because I feel so tired, that the thought of starting to cook a meal and doing all the cleaning and washing up afterwards is beyond me.
• I am taking my blood pressure and cholesterol meds on time, and my evening insulin injection...
• but I keep forgetting to have my other insulin injector with me if I am out and have a sandwich.
• I have started pre-menopause which has brought some horrible side affects, hair loss, agonising joint pain, lousy memory, forgetfulness, weepiness, difficulty concentrating, bad pmt, feeling sad deep within.
• and I am constantly tired, I force myself to struggle through the chores that I should be able to finish in a fraction of the time they take me
• I am frustrated with myself, because I have been intending to finish the last chapter of the BOTN and really want to do so, but haven't seemed to be able to get myself into gear, as well as not getting far with any of my other dreams, goals and aims.
• I haven't opened a journal, written a note, or drawn a doodle since Christmas.

Where have I achieved a modicum of success?

• My new online business is nearing the time when I will publish it to the web for the first time.
• then the work will really begin, so that possible customers will find it.
• My old online business has pretty much failed at this point and I will change it to an interest website instead of a business one.  It has gone mainly because I cannot do the intricate work I used to spend 12 hours a day doing, now that my wrist and thumb joints are so painful.
• I have sold half of my doll collection to raise some of the funds for starting the new business, it has been sad to see them go, but, I shall take some time to make a pretty outfit for each of the remaining dolls to wear while they are on display.  Although, I have been making outfits for the Sasha dolls for the past 7 years to sell, I don't actually have any of the outfits that I have made, and my dolls spend most of their time nude, partly because it was easier to use them for modelling when they didn't have to be undressed first, and partly because, I would try to sell every outfit that I made.

Tomorrow will begin a new day... and a journey to a NEW ME...